Category: Goodosphere Tells A Joke

Archive for the ‘Goodosphere Tells A Joke’ Category

Go Outside

SNL On Point


A couple of guys get a job working at a ranch. On the ranch, there’s a beautiful girl, the daughter of the man who owns the ranch. She comes out every day, gets on her horse, takes the horse for a ride, comes back, goes in the house. The big guy says to the little guy, “I want to talk to her. How do I talk to her?” Little guy says, “Tell you what you do—it’s easy: Paint one of her horse’s legs green, she’ll talk to you.”

The big guy paints one of the horse’s legs green. She comes out, she looks beautiful in her riding outfit, goes out for her ride, comes back, goes into the house, doesn’t say a word. Big guy says, “You lie to me, she not say anything!” Little guy says, “All right, paint all of the horse’s legs green, she’ll talk to you.” Big guys says, “All right. I do that, you better be right.”

So he paints all four of the horse’s legs green, and she comes out in an even more beautiful riding outfit, she looks amazing, she goes for a ride, comes back, goes in the house, doesn’t say a word. Big guy says, “I’m going to hurt you, you lie to me, make a fool of me.” And the little guy goes, “Okay, you paint the whole horse green and you can beat the crap out of me if she doesn’t talk to you.”

Big guy stays up all night. Two coats on the horse—the horse is completely green. She comes out in her riding outfit looking gorgeous, she looks at the horse, and she says, “Why is my horse painted green?” The big guy responds: “You wanna fuck?”

Farm Pig Saving Time

A guy’s driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he’s doing is he’s taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, “Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?” And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, “What’s time to a pig?”

Bartending Bigotry

A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, “Uh . . . are you a string?” And the string goes, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

“New York Times Trying To Keep A Straight Face” Is The Best NYTimes

Kangaroo Bounces Away From Staten Island Home

OCTOBER 17, 2015

When Urim Osmani opened his auto repair shop in Staten Island on Saturday morning, he was not surprised to see a tawny animal crouching nearby.

“At first it looked like a small deer,” Mr. Osmani said, adding that deer from the woods nearby sometimes wandered close to his shop.

Then the animal reared up on its hind legs and started hopping around in a parking lot near Victory Boulevard. Mr. Osmani realized it was a kangaroo.

He said that he and his brother were not frightened — the one-and-a-half-year-old male stood only three feet tall and weighed 22 pounds, the police said.

“It was running around like crazy and we didn’t want it to get hit by a car,” Mr. Osmani said.

Det. Sophia Mason said officers arrived on the scene at 8:36 a.m. and that the kangaroo, named Buster, was “taken into custody without incident” after 10 to 15 minutes. The animal was returned to his owner. Detective Mason said she could not confirm the owner’s name because he had not been arrested.

The detective said the kangaroo escaped from a fenced-in yard on Victory Boulevard and Travis Avenue, but that he did not leap over the fence. “Someone left the gate unlocked and he was able to get loose,” she said.

The house from which Buster escaped was registered to Giovanni Schirripa and two other people with the same last name. This was not the first time an exotic animal had escaped after Mr. Schirripa’s gate was left open. In 2012, a pony named Casper and a zebra named Razzi ambled out of his yard. At the time, Mr. Schirripa said that it was Casper’s third escape.

New York City law says it is illegal to keep a kangaroo or any other marsupial in the five boroughs, unless the animal is at a zoo, laboratory, circus or veterinary hospital.

Mr. Osmani said he had heard about the zebra. This was his first encounter with a kangaroo, he said, and he said Buster seemed to be having fun.

“He was jumping around, running around, very fast,” Mr. Osmani said. “Enjoying the freedom.”

Best We Ever Had

Miss You, Mitch

Your Dude Is Back

I was so scared that he wasn’t going to be funny — that the accident killed that part of him. But then he was. And after that he was offensive in that way that awfully charming way that he is and we knew everything was okay in the world for just a moment.

The Most Fun You’ll Ever Have At Ikea

Thanks, Nim!