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Double Down: The Dos And Don’ts of Dance

We’re lucky to live in a generation rich with derivative dance moves. Since I’m no VH1, I can’t speak to the preponderance in bygone eras, but as a living, breathing, sponging member of the 21st, I can safely say we have much greater access to the most dubious of dances: There’s the dice throwing popularized by Knocked Up, the cereal-ailse inspired shopping cart, innumerable permutations of the sprinkler, and — perhaps the most reviled dance of September 2010 — the churning of the butter.

While these gyrations are undeniably functional as sophomoric entertainment, one is forced to wonder if they offer any real appeal to the fairer, more dance prone sex. After all, dancing is rarely just about entertaining. It’s about bravado, expression, release, and maybe winning over that girl. What makes a good male dancer? Can mere self-assurance convince a crowd?

Not so much, evidently. A recent British study says that the key may be in the torso. A crack team of psychologists at the University of Northumbria (The Fightin’ Umbras!) digitized video footage of some randomly selected strutting stallions and showed the videos to a panel of women for evaluation. To their own misfortune, the majority of men displayed “highly receptive moves that used theirĀ arms and legs, but not the rest of their bodies.” Beware! It looked something like this:

The dudes who got love showed “a varied repertoire and more moves that involved tilting and twisting the torso and neck.” Behold the reckoning:

After millennia of plumbing the question “What do women want?” we now know: Carlton.